Ever have those times when you have a lot to write about but really don’t have it in you to write it out? That’s how I’ve been feeling the last week or so. A lot has gone on in my little world and I really could have written every day but I really just didn’t have it in me to write it out. I still really don’t have it in me but I figured it would be a good idea if I did. Not only for me but also for the reading pleasure of you all!! I’ve been keeping up on my daily blog readings but just haven’t gotten around to updating mine till today. So, now that being said……..where do I start?
I guess I can start with The Peanuts “sickness status”. I was just about to write “She’s doing MUCH better. She still has a faucet for a nose but other then it dripping constantly, everything else seems to be much better. The ear and throat infections seem to be gone and the fever as I’m sure I mentioned previously, broke about 5 days after her getting it.” but as I was typing this out I received a phone call from the day care telling me that she is now covered in hives from her neck all the way down to her torso. WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE!!!!!! They said she is fine and they don’t seem to be bothering her at all but man……….what next??? Along with being sick the last couple of weeks she has also been having a hard time sleeping. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with being sick but I do also know that some kids (not all) go through what they call “NIGHTMARES” and “NIGHT TERRORS”. I actually think that Hannah is going through a small case of both. I told my husband today that ALL of these instances are going into my memory bank for the next time he even remotely brings up a 2nd child………………NEVER!!!!
On a more personal note, I’m really not liking my body image. To put it bluntly, I feel like and feel like I look like a huge FAT cow who is completely unattractive to ANYONE. I often find myself wondering how my husband feels about my weight. He is so completely supportive of me and however I look. He does not and would not tell me that I am over weight even though the truth of the matter is that I am, and quite a bit over weight. But does it bother him? Does it bother him that he walks around with an obiese wife? Does it bother him that I am really not caring about my looks? I know he would never say it but it must. I am about 50 lbs heavier then what I was when we first got together (granted that was 8 years ago) but I was never that light/small to begin with. I often wonder if he wishes that I was smaller. I REALLY don’t ever want to know what he truly thinks in fear of what knowing would do to me emotionally but it is ALWAYS a thought in the back of my head. As funny as it sounds, I wonder what my friends and family think of me and my weight. I know it obviously does not consume them the way it consumes almost my every thought but I KNOW that they have to have an opinion about it and I’m sure it’s not a very good opinion either. If it bothers me then I’m sure it bothers others around me. Maybe not my weight per say, but the way it effects me. Hrm………one more thing to ponder I suppose.
As some of you know, I have known my “group” of friends for quite some time now. There are a few that I have known for more then 20 year and even after all these years I find that they can still surprise me. And NOT in a good way I might add. I’m not gonna get into the whole situation that has transpired over the last while that has made me think the things that I am however, I will get on with the point of this section of my rambling today. I am still amazed, disturbed, disappointed at how other peoples actions can effect me so much. I know that it’s got to do with the very long connection that I have with my friends but when it’s something that has been done or said, not directly to me nor does it directly affect me or my life, why do I let it bother me so much? The more I grow “up” for a lack of better terms and know that what happens in others lives should be left for them to deal with, I still find my self drawn in. Getting angry, disappointed and that overall WANT to give them the mothering kick in the ass that they need. I also find how disappointed I get in their actions/words and how “personal” I end up taking it when CLEARLY it has nothing to do with me. Maybe that’s because even after all these years, I am starting to really realize that there are always things that you don’t know about a person. I guess that’s what is called “Skeletons in the Closet”.
There is so much more I COULD write about but I’m noticing that “I don’t have it in me” attitude drifting back into me again. So I guess this is where I bid you all farewell till next time!
Posted by daffy on February 5, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I don’t know quite where to begin so I’ll start by saying I could have written this.. (Well not all of it!)
) First of all, body image. You have to be happy with you, for you. Not for anyone else. Your family love you and unless something is threatening you and your well being I don’t believe it will make the slightest bit of difference to them but I think if you are unhappy then perhaps you could start thinking about achievable ways to allow you to feel comfortable with yourself. You have gone through so many changes recently and its hard to prioritise yourself amongst the day to day stuff but you really should. You need ‘you’ time. Treat yourself to some make up, arrange a baby sitter and make a date with your man, you don’t have to go any where special just get yourself all spruced up so you feel really hot again! Its important you do this or you will just end up feeling really down and the worse you are feeling the harder it will be to get out of the situation. Remeber this, You are loved, you are loving and you are special. No matter what.
Friends will always surprise us, I don’t think we will ever stop learning about people who have been in our lives for a long time. It’s part of them though and I guess that you will just work out a way to accept, if thats too difficult then maybe start by trying to understand a little and perhaps acceptance will follow.
You are a good person and you do tend to be a little hard on yourself. I hope you feel as though you have lightenend your load a little by writing it down but promise me you won’t be too tough on yourself.
xxx *hugs*xxx
Posted by nikkipolani on February 5, 2008 at 4:38 pm
*waves at Daffy*
I quite agree with Daffy about your body image. If you were in my family (or just about any Asian family), you would have no doubt as to their opinion of your body weight. You’ve had a lot going in your life, not to mention adjusting to the changes in Hannah and keeping up with her new skillset. But you are unhappy with your body and I know you will do something about it in your own time (weren’t you and youngmummy doing weight watchers together at one time? how I miss Heather). I, too, am in need of a body tune-up and have to get my act together fairly soon.
Hang in there and give Hannah a little hug from me.
BTW, I’m so glad your husband is so supportive of you – good for him!
Posted by Boso on February 5, 2008 at 5:02 pm
the peanut seems to have something similar to what baby o has. Baby O gets hives from time to time, and has a constant running nose, it’s all linked to her being atopic. My advice, see an allergy specialist.
Posted by divastar on February 5, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I can associate with everything you wrote in your post!!! I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror thinking “How the hell did I let myself get like this??!!”, some mates that i really thought I knew have been shocking me with news that just comes out of the blue and punches me right in the stomach and I also feel for your worry about darling peanut, I really hope she comes through this lot of lurgies very soon, but on the good side it’ll make her tougher for the years ahead, better she gets stuff now than when she’s older, but it’s still horrific for a mum to see their little one suffer so you have my full sympathy and some of these too for both you and lil banana *HEALING HUGGLES* xxx
Posted by mylozmom on February 6, 2008 at 8:18 am
Thanks Daffy! I do know that I will come to a time when I’ve had enough and yes will do something about my weight and ONLY for me. Thanks for reminding me of “you” time. It’s getting over that guilt feeling for actually taking time out for myself (as I’m sure you know). The good thing is that hubby and I definitly have a VERY close and loving relationship. We are like the finishing touches on eachothers cakes ya know? He really does make me feel like I can do/be/accomplish anything and is totally supportive of me in EVERY way. I too do the same for him in return. That’s what makes “US” work so well. And as for the friends thing, I’ve learned that I can still have my opionions, stay out of the DRAMA of it all, and still be a loving and caring friend. It just takes A LOT for me to be this way instead of diving head first into all the drama and wanting to “fix it”. That is in my nature though isn’t it? Even my “about me” section says just that. A work in progress right? thanks for your support my dear, I LOVE reading your comments, they make me feel NORMAL! LOL
Hi Nikki, ya YM and I did do it and actually did very well (both before and after the babies were born) but now that I am back at work we really don’t see much of eachother and “fat ladies club” has taken a back seat. I guess when I’m ready, I’ll get motivated and do it again. Oh and BTW, Hannah says thanks for the “ug” as she calls them. Hugs are her FAVORITE!
Boso, Atopic??? Really?? Hrmmmmmmmmmm, Hannah does have an allergist so I’ll for sure meantion that to him. Thanks for the tip and can’t wait to hear baby O’s story.
Diva baby!! Thanks for validating my feelings honey! LOL it’s nice to know that I’m not the only crazy one out there! And don’t you worry your pretty little head about Hannah Banana……..she’s a tough loaf a bread and will be just fine. I’m mama we gotta worry about!! LMAO
*leans in and takes healing huggles*
Posted by Blueandtigger on February 6, 2008 at 9:20 am
What an honest from the inside post. Good for you for getting all that out. It’s always easier to deal with stuff when it’s not all bottled up.
What everyone else has said is true. Time for yourself is a big one and a hard one. Like you said.
I LOVE you to bits.
xoxoxox