A good hard look……

This year started off a little rocky for me as some of you know. Events that have taken place have invoked a lot of soul searching and re-evaluating the person I am. I had a moment of clarity through out these events and what I have learned about myself is both good and not so good. It’s hard looking in the mirror at times. I have always believed that I am a good person, one that wears her heart on her chest like her badge of honor. Over the last few weeks I have truly come to understand this about my self. I have also had my eyes opened to how some of the events of my child hood have made up the person that I have become as an adult. I am strong. Even a bit too strong at times. I have this undying need to “fix” things. It’s my nature to take any situation, deal with it, drudge on and get it done. This can be a good thing for instances that the ball can not be dropped on like keeping the house “running”, my job, my daughter, ect……but I have learned that I need to let go of the reins a little and let life happen. Let someone else drive for a while. I’ve learned that it’s okay to let people help, I am not superwoman even though I take pride in thinking that I am.

I do have a weaker side. A side of me that not a lot of people know about or have even seen. There are a few people who know that side of me. Who I have let my guard down too and let them see the emotional wreck that I can be. These people have been amazing in not judging or mocking me for the weakness that I have shown over the last few weeks. And I am learning that it’s a good thing to let people help when I feel lost. My husband being one of those people. I have always been the driving force in our relationship. I take charge and get it done, what ever it is and I have learned by doing with the strong personality that I have, I have taken that away from him. He needs to feel like I not only want him but “need” him. Even though I tell him that, he needs to FEEL that. I am a survivor. I do what needs to get done and in a “take no prisoners“fashion and that is intimidating for a lot of people……hubby included. The more I push, the less he gives, the less he gives, the more I push and it’s just a vicious cycle. He is an only child to his mother and never had a father figure in his life. He has learned to be a “man” just by coasting through life. And with my dominating nature, instead of taking his hand and helping him find the man he truly is, I have been dragging him along through life by his hair while his self esteem has gotten lower and lower.

I see this now. I see how I need to let go sometimes and let others take control. Not only for them but for me as well. I need to be that girl who needs help sometimes. I too need to be rescued at times and not always be the hero. It’s okay to be weak. It’s part of being human. And I now know it’s OKAY!! Lots of heart to heart talks, emotional turmoil, and re-building has brought me to this understanding. And I am so glad that I have given my head a good shake and allowed my self to see all this and not be too hard on my self. Understanding that it’s part of growing as a person. And I am thankful that the loved ones around me are guiding me through this evolution, non-judgmentally and forgivingly. I have truly come to see how unbelievably lucky I am to have the lifeline that I have. The support and words of encouragement over the last little while have been part of why I have coped so well with all that has been going on. I have learned so much about my self and have learned to accept all aspects of who I am. And I am truly able to believe now and say with pride……..

I AM A GOOD PERSON AND WORTHY OF IT ALL!!!!