snow over the last 2.5 hours…..20-30 cms expected in 8 hours

Done and Done!

So my mother strikes again! My mother and her husband have been married for 8 years now but not in the religion they practice. They were married United back in 2000 which they tried to keep a seacret but I caught them the week before and crashed there wedding. Well this past saturday they got married in the catholic religion and did not tell my sister or I at all. My step fathers entire family was there. His 6 kids and their spouses and their kids including his daughter and her husband that my mother can not stand one bit. My mothers best friend and her husband were too there. I spoke to my mother several times on saturday and sunday and she said nothing to me about this. and clearly this was a planned event…..it was a wedding for gawd sakes.

This is not the first time she has pulled crap like this as I’m sure most of you remember so I’m not sure why I am that suprised. Either way, my sister and I are devastated and this clearly is the last straw for me.

rock and a hard place….

Okay, so I’m finally taking the time to walk with you all through my life over the last few weeks. And let me apologize for my tardiness in updating you all.  As you know we bought the house, and we’ve been in for almost 4 months now.  The first few weeks were hard for The Peanut.  She loved the house but bed time/nap time was just a disaster as we all know that toddlers are so routine oriented and it was not the bedroom she has always known.  She has settled in nicely now and so have hubby and I.  She is now toilet trained day and night aside from a few accidents here and there which I know is totally expected.  She is only 2 after all!!  Her vocabulary has EXPLODED and I am in awe of the fact that she is a little person and not my baby anymore.  It scares me how my memories of the days when she was so tiny are escaping me.  I’m trying to write down as much as I can but I know that it will never recapture those precious, precious moments when she was my tiny helpless babe!

My little Peanut is so big now.  She is little “Miss Independent” as always and really coming into her own now.  Her personality is so great but a test of my wills on the good days.  She is still so very strong and confident but with that confidence come confrontational tendencies.  I know that every toddler has the “help me, but don’t help me” learning curve and The Peanut being the outspoken, feisty firecracker that she is tends to really struggle with this faze.  I know this too shall pass and honestly it’s let up since she started toilet training as I’m sure her sense of independence is picking up.  She’s starting to slack off a bit in the “I’m mama’s 3^rd leg” faze thank goodness.  It’s extremely hard when you have to have a child on your lap as you use the bathroom. LOL

The Boy (Mylo) is finally starting to come around and settle into the new house.  He’s gonna be 12 this coming April and has spent the last 8 years in our old house with not only us but hubby’s mom too so he has been having a bit of a rough go of it.  It’s definitely getting better now that he is on antidepressants.  YES antidepressants.  We’re just weaning him off them now.  He’s finally starting to return to his old self again which I must admit I am ecstatic about.  He too is my baby and I worry a lot about him specially now that he is getting older.  I know soon enough it’ll feel like forever that we’ve been in our wonderful house.

Work is still work.  Neither great nor bad, just work.  I don’t take my work home with me, in actuality or mentally.  It’s a job and lord knows that I work because I have to not because I want to.  I’d much rather be home with my daughter raising her instead of a day care that is doing it for us but with the way things are now a days, a one income family is almost unheard of.  Our company is growing but they don’t know how so there are LOTS of growing pains.  Meh………….I just go with it.  I go kicking and screaming but I go none the less.

I find my self starting to wonder what life would be like with a second child.  How would Hannah react in the stage that she is in?  How would I react to the increase in struggles of day to day life with not just 1 child but then 2?  I ask my self questions like; do I want Hannah to grow up alone? Do I want her to have her dad and me just to her self?  What kind of quality of life will she have not having anyone to pull the wool over mum and dad’s eyes with? Who will she poor her heart out to when mum and dad do or say something that is just horrible (or so she’ll think) and will that person truly get it as WE are not their parents, JUST Hannah’s?  Am I selfish for only wanting one? Am I selfish for starting to change my mind?  Is hubby now selfish for changing his mind and only wanting Hannah now?  Millions of thoughts run through my head about this.  MILLIONS!  I’m not announcing these thoughts to many people in my day to day life but I am opening this up for discussion in my blog friend’s world.  I just don’t want family and friends to PUSH their opinions or potentially think wrong of us for our wishy washy thoughts on the matter.  It’s just something that I more so then hubby am throwing around and I have a lot of back and forth in my own little head about it. 

I am not proud of some of my reasons for potentially wanting a second.  Having a child is THE most selfish decision one will make in their life time as there is only one reason and one reason only to have a child………because YOU want one.  That’s it!  They don’t ask to be brought into this world; they come because we want them too.  That’s why it’s a selfish act but definitely one well worth being selfish for.  That being said, I find that some of my reasoning for potentially wanting another are for even more selfish needs.  I think how much I LOVED being pregnant.  I miss that belly!  I think about the potential of maybe actually getting to have a natural birth instead of a c-section this time around.  The potential for the labour and delivery.  Everything I missed out on with The Peanut.  I think about nursing an infant again.  The quiet time with just me and the babe.  Knowing that I am that childs life line.  I was for the 9 months they were in my belly and will be for at least the first 4-6 months when they join the outside world.  The time I’d get to spend with Hannah when I’m off on Maternity leave for 12 months.  Maybe not gaining back lost time but making me feel like I am making it up to her. 

There are so many reasons for me having second thoughts about Hannah being an only child but these are just the selfish ones.  The ones that I have some guilt over feeling.  Well not the ones about being with Hannah but all the others.  Part of the problem is now hubby has swung his decision to the other side of the fence and now he’s saying no, no more.  He’s done.  He’s quite adamant that Hannah is enough for him.  That saddens me deeply to think that the door is closed on the subject.  And the more time goes on I find my self wanting it more and more.  I of course do not and would not want another unless hubby was completely on board with the idea and knowing that he’s not is soooooo disheartening. 

So what do we do now?

To my Peanut!

Hannah,  

I know it’s been forever since I’ve written (more like 5 months but….) so I’m finally taking the time to walk with you through your life over the last while. Quite a lot has happened so I’ll just start rambling like I always do so try to keep up, hahaha. Daddy and I bought our new house a few short months ago. We moved in right before your 2nd b-day (August 16th to be exact) and the first few weeks were very hard for you. You loved the house and what you called the “park” in the yard but bed times and nap times were a disaster. Lord knows that toddlers are so routine oriented and it was not the bedroom you have always known. You have settled in nicely now thankfully and so have Daddy and I. Your 2nd birthday you celebrated in the new house. You had a fabulous party with all the people who love you there to celebrate your special day. Two…..when did that happen??? You are toilet trained for the most part now aside from a few accidents here and there which is totally expected. You are only 2 after all!! Your vocabulary has EXPLODED and I am in awe of the fact that you are this little person and not my baby anymore. It scares me how my memories of the days when you were so tiny are escaping me. I’m trying to write down as much as I can but I know that I will never recapture those precious, precious moments when you were my tiny helpless baby laying in the safety of my arms.

My little Peanut, you are so big now. You are still little “Miss Independent” as always and really coming into your own now. Your personality is so great but can be a test of my wills even on the good days. You are still so very strong and confident but with that confidence comes confrontational tendencies. I know that every toddler has the “help me, but don’t help me” learning curve and with you being the outspoken, feisty firecracker that you are, you tend to be really struggling with this faze. I know this too shall pass and honestly it has let up since you started toilet training as I’m sure that your sense of independence is picking up. You are starting to slack off a bit in the “I’m mama’s 3rd leg” faze thank goodness. You can imagine how difficult it is to have a child on your lap as you use the bathroom but none the less, I do it! I do it because it’s something you need from me right now. You need that sense of security and power. I know that as silly as it sounds, I will too miss these times when it’s me and only me that you want. 

As helpless and out of sorts I feel sometimes, I know that this is what I need to be and do right now. I decided long before you were even born that the “me” that I was then would take a step back for the “mom” that I was about to become. I feel that I am still the person I have always been. I just make the necessary sacrifices that are needed to make sure that I am the mom that you deserve. Or at least I like to believe that I do. I am no where near perfect nor would I want to be as you can only grow as a person from learning from the mistakes that you have made. I do, however, try to give my all when it comes to being your mom. I know that I have my “not so picture perfect” moments (that I later truly regret with all my being) but on a whole, I do try to be the best mom that I can be. Having you was the most selfish thing I could have ever wanted or done in my life so how could I have the right to not to give you my all? You are here for one reason and one reason only…….because your daddy and I wanted you so badly. You did not ask to be born, we asked for you and knowing that and truly believing it, I promise you that I will always remember just that……WE WANTED YOU!! 

You and your father are my everything. He came into my life at just the perfect time, swept me off my feet and gave me more then I could have ever deserved. He made me his friend, his wife and the mother of his gorgeous child. I am forever indebted to him for all that he has contributed to my life. And the greatest gift of all was adding you as the final piece to our puzzle. You complete us as individuals but more…..importantly as a family. So thank you for being you and making me one incredibly lucky woman!

Forever Love,

Mama

my big girl

Just a few to keep you coming back! 

morning of her 2nd birthday….GORGEOUS!

Birthday cake……mmmmmmm

really enjoying it!

Look at that face……The love of my life

Sooooooo smitten!!

And here it is…….

here’s some to start

5 years……

5 years ago today we lost Darryl.  He was on his way up to see friends of ours who were staying in a cottage up north for the week when he went to pass someone in his car on a 2 lane hwy, hit rail road tracks, lost control and hit an oncoming mini van.  We were told he died instantly which in my opinion is a blessing.  Every year on this day we go to his memorial that his family had the city we live in make for him.  We do it on this day and also his birthday.  He was cremated and his family still has him so there is no where to go “be” with him per say and that’s why the family did the memorial for him.  So people have a place to go. 

Hubby, me, Darryl’s fiancee, her NOW fiancee and a few others go to the memorial and just try to feel like he’s there with us.  We see his plaque under the tree that says his name and the years 1977-2003 under it.  26 years is so short. TOO short.  And really if he was 60 years old it would still be the same but I feel hurt knowing that he didn’t get to do the things that young people do.  The stuff you get to achieve as you grow up.  Yes he was engaged to a BEAUTIFUL young woman which I am honored to say is still a very good friend of hubby and I but he never that was it.  I find that I some times feel bad when a milestone happens in our lives and he is not here to share it with us.

Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW that he is all around us.  I feel him.  We have a picture of him in The Peanuts room on her window sill.  We put it there before she was born and in the last 2 years since she’s been alive she has maybe heard us use his name a handful of times.  Well one night we were putting her to bed and she was doing her normal “good night” to everything in her room (nic nac’s, fish light, etc.) and she looked over at the picture and said “nite nite Uncle Darryl”.  I asked her if Uncle Darryl visits her and she said “yes mummy” very matter of fact-ly.  I then ask her if Uncle Darryl spoke to her and she said “No Mummy, Uncle Darryl sleeping”.  I LOVE the fact that I know he is with her.  He would have been sooooo great with her if he was still alive and I love know that even though he’s not, he’s still making an effort to be with her.

I hate seeing the sadness in Fiance’s face.  That hopeless, helpless sense of loss that only she can move past in her own time.  I hate hubby missing his best friend.  I hate that he doesn’t get to share their amazing friendship together.  It’s now just memories that he cherishes so.  I hate that just when we were getting close he was ripped from us and now all we have are pictures and memories of him.  I am so

grateful for having at least that.  He was an awesome person, a joker, and an one that was always there.  Hubby and him would just hang together for hours on end.  Video games and food runs and parties. 

It still feels so fresh in my mind but at the same time the reality is that it’s been 5 years.  5 years……….where did the time go? It only feels like yesterday that he was saying to me…..”so what do you think of Grizz (my hubby’s nic name)??” I laugh at that memory because he wanted to have a hand in setting hubby and I up even though we already knew that we wanted to be together.  We were coming out of a party that hubby was DJ’ing at (He’s a Drum n Bass DJ) and Darryl says to me “gotta moment?” of course I look around to see if it was actually me he was talking to as I really didn’t know him at that time as hubby and I were just “courting” so i hadn’t been around his friends much.  I then said yes and he proceeds to say “walk with me”.  I giggled to my self because we were in the middle of down town Toronto, Canada at 3 am and he wants me to “walk with him”.  His girlfriend at the time (which was his fiancee when he passed) realizes what he is about to do and tells him to cut it out but of course, Darryl being Darryl, he HAS to do it.  So off down the sidewalk we go and I awkwardly wait for him to say something.  Finally he says “so……….what do you think of Grizz”?  I, still giggling, say “what do you mean what do I think”?  He says “well do you like him”?  I instantly get this feeling as though I am in a bad after school special and reply “he’s really great”.  He then says “would you date him”?  I at this point can not contain myself any longer and bust out laughing.  Darryl says “I’m serious”!!  And I says “I know, that’s what makes it so funny”.  I then calm down and tell him of course YES I’d date him and I so wanted to and he says “CAN I TELL HIM”??  What are we 5?!?!?!?  I didn’t have the heart to tell him no so I let him have the honors.  After that, Darryl always said that it was him that got us together and we just let him believe that

5 years………………….where does the time go?

it’s official!

We bought another house!  Can I get a WOOT WOOT???  Our closing date is August 5th but we move in on the 16th.  Want to get a few things done around there before we get totally in.  We own the house we are in now but it’s with my MIL so it really doesn’t feel like ours ya know?  And now that we are branching out on our own the pressure is on.  Hubby has never, EVER left home before.  Yes you read correctly……….NEVER!  He’s almost 31 years old and still lives with his mama.  So needless to say, this is HUGE for him and he is have a lot of anxiety over it.  He’s getting excited and knows that it’s time but he’s still so overwhelmed by all this.  He couldn’t eat or sleep for days and was just a basket case.  He’s getting better thankfully.  I’ve been trying my best to be the “supportive” wife and support him through this but I have to tell you, it’s a hard thing to do.  I’m carrying a lot on my shoulders right now and I’m really starting to feel it. 

But all in all, this whole transition is going well (so far) so I’ll keep you call posted!  So here’s the house info:

• 3 bedrooms
• 2 bathrooms
• brand spanking new kitchen
• finished basement
• built in bar (my favorite thing )
• wood fireplace in the basement
• big back yard with deck, 2 sheds and a swing set for The Peanut
• big driveway
• newer windows
• new roof

that’s just to name a few.  SO as you can see, it’s got a LOT of potential.

Hannah Banana

You are now 22 months old and such the budding beauty. You are growing faster then I’d like to realize or accept. Even though your infant days were a test of my wills, I find myself upset that already some of my memories of those days when it was just you and I are fading. Our late night cries together, your beautiful curious eyes looking dead into mine as I nursed you back to sleep, the smell of your freshly washed baby skin against my face. These are just a few of the things that I find harder and harder to remember. I guess that’s why I’m trying my best to keep up on these letters to you as not only will they be a keep sake for you when you are older but they are also to remind me of exactly how you were at this stage in your life. I know that you and I have many, many more memories to make together but I do not want to forget the ones we have already made. Our first days together were so hard but so unbelievably worth every second and I would never change a thing about them. I believe that they have helped be to better understand what being a mother truly means.

In the last 22 months you have day in and day out amazed me. You dive into everything head first. You really do not show fear of many things. You are a curious little girl with a love for adventure which sometimes in turn, ends up with not the best outcome but you still manage to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go on! Your carefree and affectionate nature grabs the attention of even strangers. And that smile of yours is enough to rip the heart right out of my chest. You still are extremely blond and your eyes are more brown then blue but your dad’s side still pokes through from time to time. You are still quite petit wearing 18 month – 2 year clothing. Your shoe size is only a 5 ½ – 6 and you can thank your Papa for those Flintstone feet of yours! You still have very fair skin so this summer shall be fun making sure you are coated in sun block. You are so particular in everything you do. Everything has a place and everything has to be done just so. Your dad says that is me coming out in you as I am the same way. Sorry about that by the way!

You still are a very good eater and love to eat independently so you can imagine the laundry we have to do! Toy Story and Toy Story 2 are your absolute favorites and have been for about 6 weeks now. Even though we’ve watched them about seven HUNDRED times, hearing you recite the script almost word for word and watching you dance with your baby during the “nice songs” as you call it, is what makes it all worth it. You had Tubes put in your ears on June 5th and you did amazing with the whole surgery. We were there for 7:20am and were home by 12:30pm that same day. You came out of the anesthetic just wanting your daddy. Once we got back up to him in your recovery, you were back to your old self. They gave you 3 freezies (which by the way is the new favorite thing to eat), ¾ of an apple juice box and you didn’t skip a beat after that. You were so brave when they wheeled you away from me. My baby………..

We are planning a move in the next couple of months. We have been living in our house now for 5 years and before that it was the same house just down stairs with your Nana. Nana still lives below us and things have been great but it’s now time to move on. We need more space for you to grow. We need our own independence now. We will miss having Nana around and it was great while it lasted. New things to look forward to and it is very exciting. And let’s be honest, a little scary too. I know we will do well on our own and we will branch out as a family with this move and that is what I’m looking forward too. I’m looking forward to us growing together as OUR little family. I’m interested to see how this move will effect you seeing as it will be a HUGE change for you and your little life. I think you’ll do great and welcome this change with open arms. Or at least I hope you do, for both our sakes!

I know I always end my little letters to you with how wonderful and amazing you are and how honored I feel to have YOU as my daughter. I hope you never get sick of hearing it. I hope that you someday will appreciate that I did write you little letters and I hope that you keep them for your kids to read one day. You are the final piece to mine and your fathers puzzle honey. You are what we live for. You are our life. We love you so unbelievably more then we could ever imagined possible. Your presence makes your father and I grow closer together as a couple. You complete our family sweetie and for this we thank you!

Forever Love,
Mama

Out of touch

So it’s been forever and a day since I have written but things have been a bit hectic lately.  What’s gone on………..well……………..

1. Mothers day-mine and my mothers (lets not go there)
2. My mom’s birthday (again, lets not go there)
3. My 30TH birthday BBQ and then actual birthday-both were fabulous!
4. The Peanuts ear surgery-Tubes inserted in hear canal-all went well and she is good as new again
5. The Peanuts Orthopedic Surgeons appointment for her elbows-diagnosis-Maids Elbow, will out grow it

Well, now that I see the above…….it really doesn’t look like I was all that busy does it?  You must also take into consideration that the majority of my Internet time is done from work and work has been CRAZY.  The nicer weather is also upon us so we have had an abundance of outside time with the girl and the boy which I must says has been fantastic!  Umm…..any other excuses I can come up with?????  Nope….not at the moment.  So that being said, I gotta run but write soon my duckies!