Starting to Panic

23 02 2011

So for those of you who don’t know…..I lost my job back in November 2009 when I was 23 weeks pregnant with our youngest daughter. My company closed the Branch that I worked out of so all of us there became jobless.  They tried to offer me 3 weeks severance plus 2 weeks vaccation pay but that clearly was not good enough. Who was gonna hire a hugely pregnant woman for the money that I was making for only a 3 month contract? um NO ONE! So I decided to sue the company. And I won! I got 12 weeks severance plus my owed vaccation time so that brought me up to my maternity leave.  I then found out that not only was I entitled to my 50 paid weeks off, I was also getting an additional 16 weeks due to the fact that I have never pulled from my Employment Insureance due to being unemployed!  WOOT WOOT! SO all in all that will bring me to May 14th, 2011.

Not a bad deal right? Well now i am shitting my pants because I now have 2 kids to either find day care for which will run us upwards of $1500/month or I have to find part time work in the evenings so that Hubby can stay home with the girls when I leave for work and I will be home with them during the day while he’s at work.  The working in the evenings is the most ideal for me because i am truly a basket case when it comes to finding “sitters” for my kids unless it is close friends or family members. And the thought of putting out $1500/month to a day care provider that I am not truly happy with just doesn’t sit well with me. So I am now on the hunt for a part time job where I can work in the evenings and take care of my kids in the day. Problem is……time is pressing and Im not sure if this is all gonna pan out the way I had hoped! I know I still have 2.5 months however, I am very clear on how fast that time will pass!  Ugh…’s hoping something finds ME before then!



15 02 2011

So much has happened over the last few years in my little life that it almost makes my head spin.  The good, the bad and yes……even the ugly. I’ve always known that I am an emotional basket case.  I, in some ways, pride my self in the fact that I carry my emotions on my chest like a suit of armor.  It is who I am and I KNOW that I am a good person.  I love whole heartedly and live honestly.  Life I believe is just test of strength and determination.  It is what you make it.  I make it the best that I can by surrounding myself by the people I love and who love me.  Friends and family. Close or distant.  I try to see the good in everyone and understand that not everyone is the same.  I try not to judge and remember that not everyone is ready to live their lives to the fullest. They have not given themselves permission to let go of sadness and remember that we only live once and this life time is shorter then it sounds.

I’ve learned that it’s not only time that heals all wounds but that forgiveness, patience, compassion and understanding aids in the path to happiness.  And truely allowing your self to be happy with what you have and not what you want or don’t have. Knowing that it’s hard work and dedication that take your life in the direction you want it to go. Knowing that nothing great comes easily and if it is, then in the end it won’t be that great as you have not worked for it.  Remembering that everyone deserves a thank you for even the smallest of things.  A smile, an opened door, an I love you all make a world of difference right?

I’ve been struggling with a few things over the last few months and I have really given my life a once over. And this is what I have come up with. “I” make the difference in my life.  “I” make a difference in others lives. And when I am not the very best ME that I can be then what good am I to anyone? including my self. I deserve more then that. So “I” have taken back ME!!!  The happy, fun loving, crazy, smiley, EMOTIONAL BASKET CASE that “I” love!  OK and the one you all love too! So in saying all this, i’d like to introduce you all to the NEW and IMPROVED Dee!!  Stop by and say hello sometime won’t you?

Is it over yet?

4 12 2009

Other then my gorgeous Hannah and the conception of my Abby, this was a shit of a year and I am sooooo done. The ALMOST breakdown of my marriage in January, the loss of my job in November, the death of my only remaining grandfather 2 days ago (Dec 2nd) and now finding out that my beloved Mylo is fatally ill……I can’t take anymore. If it wasn’t for my beautiful Hannah, Christmas would NOT be happening in this house this year. I just need to start a new. This has been the worst year to date and I can’t wait to just put it all behind me. My nerves are shot and I need a break from all the heart ache and worry.

On a good note, I am 25 weeks and still doing well. Abby is in the breech position and although yes there is still time for her too turn, I have a feeling she will not. Hannah didn’t either. At 23 weeks Hannah was breech and never turned at all. So that too is making me sad to think that I will again not be having a natural birth. Yes I know never say never but it’s a feeling I have and I’m usually not wrong. As long as she’s healthy right??? well I’m still allowed to be bitter about this. LOL

well that’s it for now. Bitch fest is done for another day. till next time my duckies. Hope all is well with you and yours!

21 weeks and going strong

5 11 2009

so I am 21 weeks pregnant and everything is going very well. We found out that Hannah will have a sister and she will be named Abby (Abigail to be exact). She is already giving me grief and keeping me on my toes and if that is any indication of how she will be here, outside in the real world, then she is totally following in her big sister Hannah’s foot steps. Would I have it any other way? NEVER!!

So on the Peanut front, she is still my amazing little girl. Bright, funny, beautiful, full of life and still able to make total strangers smile with just her laughter! I am one lucky lady to have been given such an amazing little girl and now I have been given the gift of 2. WOW………..I will be a mother of 2!!

That being said, did I forget to mention what hubby’s reaction was when we found out we’d be having another girl? His face went red and I quote “wow, guess I’ll need to build a guest house in the next 10 years so that I have a place to escape the 3 of you women”!! too cute!

so how are you all doing??


24 07 2009

I have accepted the fact that I am really bad at keeping this blog updated. Now with saying that comes a bit of guilt because I know that some of you check here to see what’s going on in my little life and more often then not there is nothing here to tell. I know this is a bad trait of mine but there is some hope. I remember when I was off on Maternity leave from work when I had The Peanut and I took time to write about my daily doings and it seems as though I am going to have some time to do this again. Yep, that’s right…….I am expecting again. This really was not planned nor was it prevented as you can tell. We were not thinking it would happen so quickly however. As some of you can remember it took us 16 months to get pregnant for The Peanut and well this one, apparently it only took one try! We are happy none the less. A bit in shock but warming up to the idea of a second by the day.

My mom guilt is in high gear now. I question my ability as a mother just for my gorgeous Hannah, and now….to throw a second into the mix……..scares the pants right off of me. I also worry about having to share “me” and how Hannah will react. She is my baby girl and I just hope that I learn to spread my love appropriately and evenly and hope that throughout all this, my baby girl knows that she will ALWAYS be my baby! I also hope that the new babe will know that I love them too and that they too hold a special place in my heart. DAMN HORMONES!! LOL

My emotions are all over the place and have been for a while. I’m still doing a lot of “growing” within my self and struggle daily wondering if I am truly the person that I want to be. Am I proud of who I am? Would I be honored to call me my wife, daughter, sister, aunt, or friend if I were on the other side of the fence? Am I all that I can be? Am I living my life honorably and to my fullest potential?? For now…….I have to say yes. I can honestly say I am truly doing the best that I can with what I have. But, there is always room for improvement right?

On a different note, I was given some very sad news this morning. My cousin passed away unexpectedly. It was quite a shock to us all and a very big blow to the heart. He was a lonely man. Lived by himself, in the house him and his late wife lived in together for only a short time out in the middle of no where. We only got to see him a few times a year but when we did they were lovely visits. Because he is actually my second cousin and quite a few years older then me, I was raised to call him Uncle Dave out of respect and to this day that is still how I address him. Even after many conversations of him telling me I don’t have to, I do. Because I do respect him. He died of a massive heart attack, in his bed in his house way up north and all alone. A neighbour hadn’t seen him in a few days so they went to check on him and there he was, peacefully lying in his bed. Sad really.

Tomorrow is also the anniversary of our good friend Darryl’s death. 6 years has gone by so fast. We are heading to his memorial in the morning to pay our respects and then off for our traditional ice cream treat in memory of him! I’m so glad that we still have this tradition and glad that it’s something that we ALL are adamant about doing in honor of his life. Shows the love and commitment we have for our late friend. He is missed terribly.

So on that note, I hope this entry finds you all well, in good health and happy!

What are the chances?

15 06 2009

I never thought in a million years that this would happen to me.  I have loaded The Peanut and all her belongings into the car, get a board my self and head out to our local Tim Horton’s coffee shop to get my morning X-Large coffee with 2 milk and 2 sweetener.  We get in the line up behind 10 other cars and start the slow creep, inch by inch up to the ordering stand. We are one car length away from placing our order and to my pleasant surprise, hubby is in the car behind us.  I turn my head slightly to look at The Peanut all snug in her car set to tell her that Daddy is behind us and that’s when the attack took place.  A small black bird, out of no where flies into my OPEN driver side window and right into my face and neck! 

Yes, you read correctly!  I proceed to flail around WILDLY trying to get this crazy, kamikaze bird out of my face all the while PRAYING that it didn’t decide to dive bomb my poor helpless 2 year old in the back seat.  I ended up getting a bit of a hold on it and practically threw it out the window.  I scream out to my husband behind me “DID YOU SEE THAT” and you can guess what saw when I look back right?  Yep, you betcha…….a man dying from laughter at the site of his wife almost loosing her face from a lunatic black bird!

Can you imagine??  And really, what are the chances???  Just MY luck though………..This confirms my dislike for birds!


29 05 2009

do you all remember this post?

well, she strikes again.  Apparently my mother had surgery on April 30th and choose to not tell any of her children until last evening when she decided to tell me.  Why now??  She claims she didn’t say anything cause she didn’t want my father and his wife to know.  If she seems to think I am going to tell them and that’s why she didn’t before the surgery then why did she tell me at all?  what’s the difference if I told them then or now??  Clearly not something I’d discuss with my father anyways as it’s my mother and her life and it has nothing to do with my father at all so why would I bring that up??  and even if I did…..HE IS MY FATHER AND I WILL TALK TO HIM ABOUT WHAT EVER I’D LIKE DAMN IT!!  and really, what the hell does she care if he knows or not????  what does she care???  she is remarried and has been for 9 years??? 

So, my b-day dinner with my mother ended up with me telling her to get out of my house.  THE END!