20 03 2008

In the last few days since I have written a bit of a miracle has happened.  My girlfriends father is recovering!!!   ?!?!?!?!!?!?!?  WTF?!?!?!?!?!?  EVERYONE is shocked and kinda in disbelief as not even 3 days ago when I saw him he was literally on his way out!  Good news……….ABSOLUTELY……………Confusing and hard to accept/believe……………ABSOLUTELY!  My girlfriend is quite dis-concerned.  Not that her  father is going to live of course but at the fact that the doctors were so sure that he was going to dye and yet, here he is alive.  Part of why she is so dis-concerned is because on Monday morning the doctors told her that he lungs/heart were going to give out and they were given 3 choices. 

  1. Put him to sleep, inti-bate him indefinitely until his body gives out on it’s own
  2. Put him to sleep, inti-bate him and when her and her brother were ready they would let them know when to unplug him
  3. Keep him on this breathing machine that is suctioned and strapped to his face, allow him to see his friends/family, say his good byes and when his lungs/heart could no longer take it they would remove the mask, put him to sleep and within hours his lungs would give out.

Her dad chose #3 as he said he didn’t want to have his children have to make the decision of when to unplug him nor did he want to be on life support indefinitely.  My girlfriend and her brother almost talked their father into #2 which in hindsight, they would have killed him.  That’s all she keeps thinking is that if they went with #2, he’d not be here right now recovering.  All she keeps saying is………how could they have been so quick to say that he is dying when 3 days later, he’s up in a chair, breathing from the little nose oxygen tube, eating talking………………..Now don’t get me wrong, she is obviously VERY happy that her father is pulling through but she is scared to trust what the doctors are saying now.  She is afraid that he’ll get home (and I forgot to mention that he lives with her and her hubby and daughter in their home), she will have to “take care” of him and a couple weeks down the line this will happen all over again.  This is unbelievable.  This is a miracle. 

My quest to be healthier is going okay I guess.  I’m a bit discouraged as I started this almost 2 weeks ago and really I have seen NO results.  I am still tired and run down, my acne has not improved (which btw is yet ANOTHER issue that really does burn me to my core) and I have not lost 1 single pound.  Not 1!  I have to tell you, my “bitter table for 1” is starting to turn into a “bitter HOTEL for 1” and I feel like I am always feeling defeated.  I know that I have to get active and I am working on that (starting aqua fit in the next few days) but this weather is pulling me down, my own self esteem is just pitiful and I feel like a hunk of FAT shit!  Why??  Why do some of us have to struggle so hard with our weight when others can do and eat what they want and maintain a good lifestyle?  I know that you guys really don’t know what I look like other then “face shots” on my blogs but I really am not even CLOSE to being on the smaller side.  I seriously need to loose like 60 pounds to relatively feel good (and actually be healthy) about my self and even at that point I could afford to loose another 20 but I know that that’s not a realistic goal for my body type. 

Ugh……………..I hate feeling so shitty.  I hate that I have allowed myself to get like this.  I hate that I have allowed my self esteem to get so low.  I hate that I am so hard on myself.  I hate that I am so EASY on myself.  I hate that I have done nothing but bitch and moan and groan about my weight for the last few weeks.  I hate that I have become “that” person.  The one that I use to feel sorry for.  I am now her.  The fat, bitter, none attractive (and I don’t just mean on the outside) person who’s self worth is utterly destroyed.  It’s not only my weight either.  My acne is atrocious.  Has been for years.  It comes and goes in “bad” and “atrocious” waves but never has it ever been that dealable for me.  I have try every product imaginable, every kind of make up (which I actually don’t even wear foundation anymore cause it only makes it worse), even light therapy.  Nothing works.  I can not afford a dermatologist and they are not covered either by our health care in Ontario nor by my benefits at work.  Acne is just something that I HAVE to deal with and work through EVERYDAY!  So that, on top of my fat ass is just a really bad cocktail mix for a shitty attitude.

Alright, now I’m done ranting cause it’s pissing me off more to keep running this over and over in my head. 

*opens from door to the bitter hotel for one and throws self in*


A lot on my mind

18 03 2008

I’m pretty sure that when I am done this entry, I will look back and think “wow, that was all over the place”.  So, where to begin……..

I guess I’ll start with my quest to be healthier.  I must admit, I am quite proud of myself.  I know I could be adding a little more effort but for now, I am happy with my progress.  I have been a VERY good girl about eating lots of veggies through out my day.  Carrots, cucumber, peppers & radishes are just to name a few with my fat free onion dip.  I’ve been also making sure that for lunches I bring something light like a salad with small bits of ham in it and a low fat salad dressing or the home made Corned Beef and Cabbage Soup that I made on Sunday and that too is loaded with veggies (cabbage, potatoes, carrots, celery, onions plus the meat).  I have a low fat/high fiber bagel with marble cheese for breakfast and dinners have been pretty good too.  I AM trying.  It’s now just to get active but it’s so hard with the weather we have right now.  Still snowy and cold.  I’m still motivated and that’s what counts I guess.  Time will tell.

A very good friend of mine is loosing her father.  He is very ill and only has a few days left here with her.  The calmness in her voice and all her poise is a bit unnerving for me.  But even through all her strength, I can see the pain in her eyes and it rips my heart out.  I went to see her dad last night and was happy to see that through out all of this, he’s still in good spirits.  I kept thinking to my self how scared he must be.  I’ve had talks with other friends and family about the possibility that he’s actually not scared.  That maybe he has accepted his fate and is actually embracing it.  After seeing him last night, I am not so convinced of that possibility.  I know he has accepted his fate but I truly believe that it’s cause he has no other choice but to.  As I stood at his bed side holding his hand, I listened to him and his daughter discussing his funeral arrangements.  What flowers he wants, what outfit he’s going to where, what passages from the bible he wants read, what hymns he wants played, and all I kept thinking is “he’s not gone yet”!  I know that these are things that you need to discuss but I guess because most deaths are not so “planned” it’s hard to hear someone face their own mortality.

When they got to the part of what music he wants played, he paused for a moment.  The heart monitor started to beep frantically and when I looked down at him he was in tears.  I guess it really hit him as to what he was doing.  He was planing his OWN funeral.  I hugged and kissed him and actually did not say anything at all.  What was there for me to say?  Don’t worry?  How could he not?  Other then this crying episode the rest of the visit was actually very nice.  Laughter, jokes, reminiscing, love.  The nurse came to do what they do best so we had to leave.  It was getting late so I told him that I’d be going home for the evening and that I’d com back the next night to see him.  As I leaned in to kiss him good bye, he looked at me with tear filled eyes, squeezed my hand and said “take care of my baby girl for me”.  I could no longer contain my tears nor did I feel I needed to.  I quietly responded to him “we’ll take care of each other dad”.  I kissed his cheek and left the room.

In situations like this I find my self feeling helpless.  I can not “fix” this for any of them.  I can not take their emotional or physical pain away like I truly wish I could.  I remember when Plane Janes dad passed away last year.  I had the same feeling of helplessness.  I know all I can do is be there for my friend and her family in any way that they need and try to remember that that, and only that is all that I can do.

Devastating Loss

13 03 2008

I just wanted to write how utterly sorry I am to hear that Diva’s Gran lost her battle for life this morning.  I can only imagine Diva’s loss and heart ache.  I know how hard it is to loose someone that close to you. 

It was not that long ago that I did this entry…..Nanny

And then only days later this……..Grandpa 

Diva, when you read this…………please know how so very sorry I am for your loss and know that even though we are a half a world away from eachother, I am always here foryou honey!

                 Their Journey’s Just Begun

Don’t think of them as gone away,
their journey has just begun.
Life holds so many facets,
this earth is only one.

Just think of them as resting
from the sorrows and the tears,
in a place of warmth and comfort,
where there are no days and years.

Think of how they must be wishing
that we could know, today,
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.

And think of them as living
in the hearts of those they touched
for nothing loved is ever lost
and they were loved so much.




12 03 2008

That is how I am feeling lately.  I could sit here and blame a whole bunch of things for my lack of motivation but they would all just be excuses for me just being bloody lazy.  LAZY.  That’s it.  Plain laziness is why I am where I am today.  Life happens to everyone and not everyone allows things to spiral out of control as I have.  I am not happy.  Haven’t been in a while.  How could I let things get this far gone?  I am an intelligent young woman.  How could I not see this coming?  How could I have given up on my self like this?  And so easily?  This has been at the for-front of my mind for years so why have I ignored all the signs?  How could I let myself go like this?

My weight has always been an internal battle with me in some way, shape, or form.  I think back to the years when I was not over weight and actually quite healthy and now realize that even then I had this stupid internal battle about my weight.  Society?  Family? Friends?  Stranger on the bus?  TV?  I’ve come to the conclusion that these are all factors in the way that I think but, not the deciding factors.  I’ve made a big decision and that is that I am who I am and I have to be happy with me and as you can see, I’m not.  I’m not happy feeling self conscience about every move I make, or wondering what the other mums/dads around me say about me after I am out of their sight.  Do my family/friends worry about me and that’s why my weight is a topic of conversation at all?  I walk by a window, see my reflection and realize that yes……that is actually me.  That not so attractive, over weight, unhealthy, sad woman is me. 

I have been battling with my self for a while and instead of trying to make a difference, I’ve been sabotaging my self with food.  Last night I actually at enough to make me feel sick.  I even said to my husband that I knew I shouldn’t be eating all this but FUCK IT I am.  And why?  Because I feel stuck and alone?  Because I feel like I’ve gone too far as to come back out of this slum?  Well as I sat on the couch last night, feeling quite uncomfortable and gross from the food I ate, as my husband repeatedly asked me what was wrong and why I looked so sad…….I made a choice.  I made a choice to pick my self up, dust my self off and do it!  Really do it this time.  Get healthy!  My daughter deserves it, my husband deserves it, my family/friends deserve it, but bottom line is “I” and “I” alone deserve it!  My heart, my body, my skin, self esteem, my integrity ALL deserve it. 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I am going to start it off by being proud and feeling good about ME!!!!!


11 03 2008

That’s how I feel right now.  Hannah’s been very sick AGAIN with yet another ear infection and yet another round of antibiotic’s.  So, now there are talks of her getting ear tubes.

Now, I am quite aware that this is a VERY common procedure and that millions of kids get this done each year but those millions of kids are not MY kids.  This is still a surgical procedure with anesthetic and risks.  Risks that are up against MY child.  I don’t know how good I am with that.  But on the flip side of that, how can I just sit back and watch my poor child suffer the way she does knowing that there is a potential cure for all her pain and suffering?  These are just all the things that have been running through my head since we found out that this might be the way to go. 

Nervous?  yes.  Scared?  yes.  Sad?  yes.  STRESSED??????  YES!!!!

Baby girl

6 03 2008


So you are now just over 18 months old and man-O-man are you a card.  You have the most hilarious sense of humor.  You actually go out of your way now to get a laugh out of us.  You are still very stubborn and firm in your convictions and I know that may sound funny seeing as you are only 18 months old, but you have always had a feisty and strong personality.  A personality that will for sure clash with mine the older you get seeing as it’s so much like mine!  You skip along effortlessly now a days and love to dance at any given chance.  You’re hair is still so blond and your eyes are a very light brown with a ring of light blue around them.  That’s your dad coming out in you.  You look more and more like me when I was a toddler.  When you were first born you were a mirror image of your dad at that age but now………it’s scary how much you look like me.

You have progressed so much since my last letter.  You started attending an actual Day Care Center instead of home care in the beginning of January so back in December we decided to convert your crib into the toddler bed to get you ready for sleeping in a cot for naptime at school.  You did so well and never complained once.  It’s been almost 3 months now and you still won’t get out of your bed even though you are able and allowed too.  It’s funny because we still have to go in and get you in the mornings.  You still will not drink milk from a regular cup so you still have 1 bottle a day and that is first thing in the morning.  You come lay in my bed and I or your dad holds the bottle while you drink it.  You have no interest in the bottle itself nor to you have any comfort in it, it’s just the only way you will drink milk.  I’ve tried all different styles, colours and shapes of cups and you will not do it!  And I have to tell you, you having that bottle at this age really bothers me but at this point, there is nothing I can do as you need the dairy.  I can only incorporate so many yogurts, cheese and milk when I cook into your diet for one day and it’s hard to make sure that you are getting the amount you need.  But that’s my internal battle and not one that I have with you.

Your vocabulary has just exploded over the last few months.  You say more words then I could possibly count now and you are actually putting small sentences together.  It’s absolutely amazing to see you being so articulate.  You say things like “I got it” when you get something that I’ve asked you to retrieve or “up you go” when you want to be picked up.  You apologize for things now too which is so adorable and the cutest thing that you just started doing is crouching a bit, putting your little hands on your knees, giving us a sly look and saying “I’m gonna get you”!  Hilarious I tell you.  You love to chase your dad around the house trying to startle him.  You guys are breathtaking to watch together.  You try to get Mylo going by throwing his toys for him, granted they do drop about 6 inches from your feet.  You want to hug anything and everything in your path.  And I mean ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!  The wall, the fridge, Mylo, your books, the mirror, the potty, the shower curtain………..EVERYTHING!  You are such an unbelievably affectionate child and for this I am grateful.  You love so honestly and are such a passionate little girl.  Little girl……………… are a little girl now.

I am so proud of the child that you are and look so forward to seeing who you will become.  Your independence, conviction, honestly and purity are just a few things that I adore about you.  You can definitely be a handful at times but that is just because you are learning who you are and I do try to remember that.  I know I’ve said this before but thank you!  Thank you for making me the one thing that I always wanted to be……a mom and even more……..thank you for being my daughter.  I love you more then words could ever express and am so honored to be your mother.  Thank you for choosing me!

Love always,



Another idea stolen!

6 03 2008

Alright, so I took this from Daffy’s blog.  One from Plane Jane last week……….now Daffy’s…….WHAT’S NEXT???

1) You are going to be stranded, Survivor style, on a tropical island. You will have only the clothes on your back. Basic food & water will be provided. Name 3 things you would bring (and they cannot be PEOPLE).
  • My dog Mylo (it said no people not no animals)
  • Chap stick
  • an article of clothing from both my husband and daughter so I could always have their scent with me.
2) Name one person  (famous or not) you have a *secret crush* on and WHY. 
Well if I told it would no longer be a secret would it??  That being said, I don’t have a *secret crush* on anyone.  I do however have a HUGE crush on Eddie Vedder, front man for the band Pearl Jam.

3) What was the last thing you did before getting on the computer?

Put my purse down on my desk at work

4) Name one thing you are ashamed of about yourself.

I am ashamed of my weight but clearly not ready to do anything about it yet.  😯

5) How long does it take you to get dressed in the morning? Outline your routine on a typical day. Feel free to mention name brand items you use – shampoos, soap, toothpaste, etc. for interest and character development.

I wake up to either hubby’s alarm clock or The Peanut calling out to me, I then get up and get her ready for day care and send her on her way with daddy.  Then it’s time to hit the shower.  I soak down, wash hair, then condition hair, then wash body, then wash face, then shut shower off, then wipe down wet shower walls (don’t ask), then towel dry off before actually getting out of the tub(again….don’t ask).  Then I brush my teeth, put Antiperspirant on, cream on my face then off to get dressed.  Back to the bathroom to brush hair and style if I feel like it that day.  One that is all done it’s off to the kitchen to start my coffee.  While that is going I put my makeup on in the hall mirror and put my glasses on.  Go finish making coffee, put socks and shoes on and watch out the window for my ride to work.  All that takes about 1 hour and 45 mins. 

6) Since you all know I am food-obsessed, humor me by describing your last meal – if you could plan it.

Well I don’t think I’m food obsessed even though the size of my arse argues that!  But so my last EVER meal, I’d have to say Pesto Chicken Penne Pasta from one of the restaurants near me.

7) What is your middle name? Does it have any significance?

I have 2…………….Joanne Aleen.  Joanne was just cause my parents liked it and Aleen is after my mom’s grandmother.

8 ) Name one thing you have always wanted but HAVE NEVER HAD.

Good self esteem………………sad isn’t it!

9) How did you meet your spouse or s/o?

I met him at work.  I started a job that he was already an employee at.  And no, it was NOT love at first sight.  I actually thought he was a “prick” only because he was so quiet.  Once we started to talk it was instant love and I knew he was going to be mine forever!

10) Tell me a joke. Pictures are acceptable.