snow over the last 2.5 hours…..20-30 cms expected in 8 hours

19 12 2008



Done and Done!

15 12 2008

So my mother strikes again! My mother and her husband have been married for 8 years now but not in the religion they practice. They were married United back in 2000 which they tried to keep a seacret but I caught them the week before and crashed there wedding. Well this past saturday they got married in the catholic religion and did not tell my sister or I at all. My step fathers entire family was there. His 6 kids and their spouses and their kids including his daughter and her husband that my mother can not stand one bit. My mothers best friend and her husband were too there. I spoke to my mother several times on saturday and sunday and she said nothing to me about this. and clearly this was a planned event… was a wedding for gawd sakes.

This is not the first time she has pulled crap like this as I’m sure most of you remember so I’m not sure why I am that suprised. Either way, my sister and I are devastated and this clearly is the last straw for me.

rock and a hard place….

4 12 2008

Okay, so I’m finally taking the time to walk with you all through my life over the last few weeks. And let me apologize for my tardiness in updating you all.  As you know we bought the house, and we’ve been in for almost 4 months now.  The first few weeks were hard for The Peanut.  She loved the house but bed time/nap time was just a disaster as we all know that toddlers are so routine oriented and it was not the bedroom she has always known.  She has settled in nicely now and so have hubby and I.  She is now toilet trained day and night aside from a few accidents here and there which I know is totally expected.  She is only 2 after all!!  Her vocabulary has EXPLODED and I am in awe of the fact that she is a little person and not my baby anymore.  It scares me how my memories of the days when she was so tiny are escaping me.  I’m trying to write down as much as I can but I know that it will never recapture those precious, precious moments when she was my tiny helpless babe!

My little Peanut is so big now.  She is little “Miss Independent” as always and really coming into her own now.  Her personality is so great but a test of my wills on the good days.  She is still so very strong and confident but with that confidence come confrontational tendencies.  I know that every toddler has the “help me, but don’t help me” learning curve and The Peanut being the outspoken, feisty firecracker that she is tends to really struggle with this faze.  I know this too shall pass and honestly it’s let up since she started toilet training as I’m sure her sense of independence is picking up.  She’s starting to slack off a bit in the “I’m mama’s 3rd leg” faze thank goodness.  It’s extremely hard when you have to have a child on your lap as you use the bathroom. LOL

The Boy (Mylo) is finally starting to come around and settle into the new house.  He’s gonna be 12 this coming April and has spent the last 8 years in our old house with not only us but hubby’s mom too so he has been having a bit of a rough go of it.  It’s definitely getting better now that he is on antidepressants.  YES antidepressants.  We’re just weaning him off them now.  He’s finally starting to return to his old self again which I must admit I am ecstatic about.  He too is my baby and I worry a lot about him specially now that he is getting older.  I know soon enough it’ll feel like forever that we’ve been in our wonderful house.

Work is still work.  Neither great nor bad, just work.  I don’t take my work home with me, in actuality or mentally.  It’s a job and lord knows that I work because I have to not because I want to.  I’d much rather be home with my daughter raising her instead of a day care that is doing it for us but with the way things are now a days, a one income family is almost unheard of.  Our company is growing but they don’t know how so there are LOTS of growing pains.  Meh………….I just go with it.  I go kicking and screaming but I go none the less.

I find my self starting to wonder what life would be like with a second child.  How would Hannah react in the stage that she is in?  How would I react to the increase in struggles of day to day life with not just 1 child but then 2?  I ask my self questions like; do I want Hannah to grow up alone? Do I want her to have her dad and me just to her self?  What kind of quality of life will she have not having anyone to pull the wool over mum and dad’s eyes with? Who will she poor her heart out to when mum and dad do or say something that is just horrible (or so she’ll think) and will that person truly get it as WE are not their parents, JUST Hannah’s?  Am I selfish for only wanting one? Am I selfish for starting to change my mind?  Is hubby now selfish for changing his mind and only wanting Hannah now?  Millions of thoughts run through my head about this.  MILLIONS!  I’m not announcing these thoughts to many people in my day to day life but I am opening this up for discussion in my blog friend’s world.  I just don’t want family and friends to PUSH their opinions or potentially think wrong of us for our wishy washy thoughts on the matter.  It’s just something that I more so then hubby am throwing around and I have a lot of back and forth in my own little head about it. 

I am not proud of some of my reasons for potentially wanting a second.  Having a child is THE most selfish decision one will make in their life time as there is only one reason and one reason only to have a child………because YOU want one.  That’s it!  They don’t ask to be brought into this world; they come because we want them too.  That’s why it’s a selfish act but definitely one well worth being selfish for.  That being said, I find that some of my reasoning for potentially wanting another are for even more selfish needs.  I think how much I LOVED being pregnant.  I miss that belly!  I think about the potential of maybe actually getting to have a natural birth instead of a c-section this time around.  The potential for the labour and delivery.  Everything I missed out on with The Peanut.  I think about nursing an infant again.  The quiet time with just me and the babe.  Knowing that I am that childs life line.  I was for the 9 months they were in my belly and will be for at least the first 4-6 months when they join the outside world.  The time I’d get to spend with Hannah when I’m off on Maternity leave for 12 months.  Maybe not gaining back lost time but making me feel like I am making it up to her. 

There are so many reasons for me having second thoughts about Hannah being an only child but these are just the selfish ones.  The ones that I have some guilt over feeling.  Well not the ones about being with Hannah but all the others.  Part of the problem is now hubby has swung his decision to the other side of the fence and now he’s saying no, no more.  He’s done.  He’s quite adamant that Hannah is enough for him.  That saddens me deeply to think that the door is closed on the subject.  And the more time goes on I find my self wanting it more and more.  I of course do not and would not want another unless hubby was completely on board with the idea and knowing that he’s not is soooooo disheartening. 

So what do we do now?