A good hard look……

29 01 2009

This year started off a little rocky for me as some of you know. Events that have taken place have invoked a lot of soul searching and re-evaluating the person I am. I had a moment of clarity through out these events and what I have learned about myself is both good and not so good. It’s hard looking in the mirror at times. I have always believed that I am a good person, one that wears her heart on her chest like her badge of honor. Over the last few weeks I have truly come to understand this about my self. I have also had my eyes opened to how some of the events of my child hood have made up the person that I have become as an adult. I am strong. Even a bit too strong at times. I have this undying need to “fix” things. It’s my nature to take any situation, deal with it, drudge on and get it done. This can be a good thing for instances that the ball can not be dropped on like keeping the house “running”, my job, my daughter, ect……but I have learned that I need to let go of the reins a little and let life happen. Let someone else drive for a while. I’ve learned that it’s okay to let people help, I am not superwoman even though I take pride in thinking that I am.

I do have a weaker side. A side of me that not a lot of people know about or have even seen. There are a few people who know that side of me. Who I have let my guard down too and let them see the emotional wreck that I can be. These people have been amazing in not judging or mocking me for the weakness that I have shown over the last few weeks. And I am learning that it’s a good thing to let people help when I feel lost. My husband being one of those people. I have always been the driving force in our relationship. I take charge and get it done, what ever it is and I have learned by doing with the strong personality that I have, I have taken that away from him. He needs to feel like I not only want him but “need” him. Even though I tell him that, he needs to FEEL that. I am a survivor. I do what needs to get done and in a “take no prisoners“fashion and that is intimidating for a lot of people……hubby included. The more I push, the less he gives, the less he gives, the more I push and it’s just a vicious cycle. He is an only child to his mother and never had a father figure in his life. He has learned to be a “man” just by coasting through life. And with my dominating nature, instead of taking his hand and helping him find the man he truly is, I have been dragging him along through life by his hair while his self esteem has gotten lower and lower.

I see this now. I see how I need to let go sometimes and let others take control. Not only for them but for me as well. I need to be that girl who needs help sometimes. I too need to be rescued at times and not always be the hero. It’s okay to be weak. It’s part of being human. And I now know it’s OKAY!! Lots of heart to heart talks, emotional turmoil, and re-building has brought me to this understanding. And I am so glad that I have given my head a good shake and allowed my self to see all this and not be too hard on my self. Understanding that it’s part of growing as a person. And I am thankful that the loved ones around me are guiding me through this evolution, non-judgmentally and forgivingly. I have truly come to see how unbelievably lucky I am to have the lifeline that I have. The support and words of encouragement over the last little while have been part of why I have coped so well with all that has been going on. I have learned so much about my self and have learned to accept all aspects of who I am. And I am truly able to believe now and say with pride……..



Time to RANT!

23 01 2009

ARRRGG!!!!! One of my hugest pet peeves is greedy, shaddy people and the shitty thing is………I am surrounded by them at my work. I work for an import comany who imports some pretty amazing things. Hardwood, laminate, Tile, cork flooring………Sinks, vanities, toilets, tool boxes, electric fire places and many, MANY other things. We from time to time get samples, or partial shipments here into our small office warehouse and we are allowed to purchase these items for a rediculously low price. I have purchase many things from here over my 4 year employment with the company and have been very please with my purchase. I must say though, the last year or so has not been very bennificial to some of us who work here.

I have my name on 2 bathroom vanities here. Once for my main upstairs bathroom and one for my down stairs powder room. The bigger of the 2 was worth about $250 dollers (that’s what they retail for) and the smaller about $175. I was getting the big one for $75 and the smaller for $50. HOW CAN I GO WRONG RIGHT?????? well, this ass that is such a shaddy character, who manages the whse here, has now sold the big vanity (not sure to who or when or how much) and didn’t even have the god damn nerve to tell me or ask if I still wanted it even though my name was CLEARLY written on a bright green piece of paper and duck tapped to the top of it, plain as day!

This is NOT the first time he has sold something out from under me or anyone else for that matter and the reason being is cause if he sells it, he ups the price and pockets the difference. HOLY CONFLICT OF INTEREST WITH THE COMPANY WOULDN’T YOU SAY?? That’s like stealing from the company and I know this is what him and another employee do for a fact!!

So now I’m out of a vanity and stuck with a choice………do I blow the lid off of their little scam or just bite my tongue and let it keep happening??


A new year, a new look?

8 01 2009

whatcha all think??

This is not only something that I am implementing on my “blog” appearence but also attempting to do in my physical appearence.  I have jumped back on the weight loss band wagon.  I am PUMPED and feel very motivated about this.  Actually, I feel motivated by my life right now.  I have not been my self in a very long time and I have made a choice to find me again.  I have had a negative attitude for way to long now and it’s high time that changed.  I am NOT a negative person by nature.  I like to think that I am positive, outgoing and bubbly person.  Kind of like a go getter but not to the extreme.  I thrieve on smiling and knowing that I make people smile.  I’m a people pleaser and get very out of sorts when I can’t “fix” things.  This is who I am and I like that person.  I really do.  And I have decided that it’s high time that I get back to being that person.

So……here’s to a new year and new beginnings!!