24 07 2009

I have accepted the fact that I am really bad at keeping this blog updated. Now with saying that comes a bit of guilt because I know that some of you check here to see what’s going on in my little life and more often then not there is nothing here to tell. I know this is a bad trait of mine but there is some hope. I remember when I was off on Maternity leave from work when I had The Peanut and I took time to write about my daily doings and it seems as though I am going to have some time to do this again. Yep, that’s right…….I am expecting again. This really was not planned nor was it prevented as you can tell. We were not thinking it would happen so quickly however. As some of you can remember it took us 16 months to get pregnant for The Peanut and well this one, apparently it only took one try! We are happy none the less. A bit in shock but warming up to the idea of a second by the day.

My mom guilt is in high gear now. I question my ability as a mother just for my gorgeous Hannah, and now….to throw a second into the mix……..scares the pants right off of me. I also worry about having to share “me” and how Hannah will react. She is my baby girl and I just hope that I learn to spread my love appropriately and evenly and hope that throughout all this, my baby girl knows that she will ALWAYS be my baby! I also hope that the new babe will know that I love them too and that they too hold a special place in my heart. DAMN HORMONES!! LOL

My emotions are all over the place and have been for a while. I’m still doing a lot of “growing” within my self and struggle daily wondering if I am truly the person that I want to be. Am I proud of who I am? Would I be honored to call me my wife, daughter, sister, aunt, or friend if I were on the other side of the fence? Am I all that I can be? Am I living my life honorably and to my fullest potential?? For now…….I have to say yes. I can honestly say I am truly doing the best that I can with what I have. But, there is always room for improvement right?

On a different note, I was given some very sad news this morning. My cousin passed away unexpectedly. It was quite a shock to us all and a very big blow to the heart. He was a lonely man. Lived by himself, in the house him and his late wife lived in together for only a short time out in the middle of no where. We only got to see him a few times a year but when we did they were lovely visits. Because he is actually my second cousin and quite a few years older then me, I was raised to call him Uncle Dave out of respect and to this day that is still how I address him. Even after many conversations of him telling me I don’t have to, I do. Because I do respect him. He died of a massive heart attack, in his bed in his house way up north and all alone. A neighbour hadn’t seen him in a few days so they went to check on him and there he was, peacefully lying in his bed. Sad really.

Tomorrow is also the anniversary of our good friend Darryl’s death. 6 years has gone by so fast. We are heading to his memorial in the morning to pay our respects and then off for our traditional ice cream treat in memory of him! I’m so glad that we still have this tradition and glad that it’s something that we ALL are adamant about doing in honor of his life. Shows the love and commitment we have for our late friend. He is missed terribly.

So on that note, I hope this entry finds you all well, in good health and happy!