rock and a hard place….

4 12 2008

Okay, so I’m finally taking the time to walk with you all through my life over the last few weeks. And let me apologize for my tardiness in updating you all.  As you know we bought the house, and we’ve been in for almost 4 months now.  The first few weeks were hard for The Peanut.  She loved the house but bed time/nap time was just a disaster as we all know that toddlers are so routine oriented and it was not the bedroom she has always known.  She has settled in nicely now and so have hubby and I.  She is now toilet trained day and night aside from a few accidents here and there which I know is totally expected.  She is only 2 after all!!  Her vocabulary has EXPLODED and I am in awe of the fact that she is a little person and not my baby anymore.  It scares me how my memories of the days when she was so tiny are escaping me.  I’m trying to write down as much as I can but I know that it will never recapture those precious, precious moments when she was my tiny helpless babe!

My little Peanut is so big now.  She is little “Miss Independent” as always and really coming into her own now.  Her personality is so great but a test of my wills on the good days.  She is still so very strong and confident but with that confidence come confrontational tendencies.  I know that every toddler has the “help me, but don’t help me” learning curve and The Peanut being the outspoken, feisty firecracker that she is tends to really struggle with this faze.  I know this too shall pass and honestly it’s let up since she started toilet training as I’m sure her sense of independence is picking up.  She’s starting to slack off a bit in the “I’m mama’s 3rd leg” faze thank goodness.  It’s extremely hard when you have to have a child on your lap as you use the bathroom. LOL

The Boy (Mylo) is finally starting to come around and settle into the new house.  He’s gonna be 12 this coming April and has spent the last 8 years in our old house with not only us but hubby’s mom too so he has been having a bit of a rough go of it.  It’s definitely getting better now that he is on antidepressants.  YES antidepressants.  We’re just weaning him off them now.  He’s finally starting to return to his old self again which I must admit I am ecstatic about.  He too is my baby and I worry a lot about him specially now that he is getting older.  I know soon enough it’ll feel like forever that we’ve been in our wonderful house.

Work is still work.  Neither great nor bad, just work.  I don’t take my work home with me, in actuality or mentally.  It’s a job and lord knows that I work because I have to not because I want to.  I’d much rather be home with my daughter raising her instead of a day care that is doing it for us but with the way things are now a days, a one income family is almost unheard of.  Our company is growing but they don’t know how so there are LOTS of growing pains.  Meh………….I just go with it.  I go kicking and screaming but I go none the less.

I find my self starting to wonder what life would be like with a second child.  How would Hannah react in the stage that she is in?  How would I react to the increase in struggles of day to day life with not just 1 child but then 2?  I ask my self questions like; do I want Hannah to grow up alone? Do I want her to have her dad and me just to her self?  What kind of quality of life will she have not having anyone to pull the wool over mum and dad’s eyes with? Who will she poor her heart out to when mum and dad do or say something that is just horrible (or so she’ll think) and will that person truly get it as WE are not their parents, JUST Hannah’s?  Am I selfish for only wanting one? Am I selfish for starting to change my mind?  Is hubby now selfish for changing his mind and only wanting Hannah now?  Millions of thoughts run through my head about this.  MILLIONS!  I’m not announcing these thoughts to many people in my day to day life but I am opening this up for discussion in my blog friend’s world.  I just don’t want family and friends to PUSH their opinions or potentially think wrong of us for our wishy washy thoughts on the matter.  It’s just something that I more so then hubby am throwing around and I have a lot of back and forth in my own little head about it. 

I am not proud of some of my reasons for potentially wanting a second.  Having a child is THE most selfish decision one will make in their life time as there is only one reason and one reason only to have a child………because YOU want one.  That’s it!  They don’t ask to be brought into this world; they come because we want them too.  That’s why it’s a selfish act but definitely one well worth being selfish for.  That being said, I find that some of my reasoning for potentially wanting another are for even more selfish needs.  I think how much I LOVED being pregnant.  I miss that belly!  I think about the potential of maybe actually getting to have a natural birth instead of a c-section this time around.  The potential for the labour and delivery.  Everything I missed out on with The Peanut.  I think about nursing an infant again.  The quiet time with just me and the babe.  Knowing that I am that childs life line.  I was for the 9 months they were in my belly and will be for at least the first 4-6 months when they join the outside world.  The time I’d get to spend with Hannah when I’m off on Maternity leave for 12 months.  Maybe not gaining back lost time but making me feel like I am making it up to her. 

There are so many reasons for me having second thoughts about Hannah being an only child but these are just the selfish ones.  The ones that I have some guilt over feeling.  Well not the ones about being with Hannah but all the others.  Part of the problem is now hubby has swung his decision to the other side of the fence and now he’s saying no, no more.  He’s done.  He’s quite adamant that Hannah is enough for him.  That saddens me deeply to think that the door is closed on the subject.  And the more time goes on I find my self wanting it more and more.  I of course do not and would not want another unless hubby was completely on board with the idea and knowing that he’s not is soooooo disheartening. 

So what do we do now?



23 04 2008

I stole this from Hoverfrog.  The original authors of this exercise are Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, and Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. If you participate, they ask that you PLEASE acknowledge their copyright.

Bold the true statements. You can explain further if you wish.

1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
9. Were read children’s books by a parent
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18

Gymnastics, vocal and instrumental.

12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home

25. You had your own room as a child

For last half of my childhood, shared with my sister till I was 9.

26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school

I lived on my own (without parents/guardian) in high school

29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college  

I had an RRSP (Registered Retirement Savings Plan) in high school, I think that counts

30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
31. Went on a cruise with your family
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family


10 is not too shabby…….I don’t think anyway.  I was raised (until the age of about 13) in loving, caring, honest home filled with morals and values.  There is no measurement on those virtues.  They are something that is embedded in you and you take with you on YOUR journey through life!

Another idea stolen!

6 03 2008

Alright, so I took this from Daffy’s blog.  One from Plane Jane last week……….now Daffy’s…….WHAT’S NEXT???

1) You are going to be stranded, Survivor style, on a tropical island. You will have only the clothes on your back. Basic food & water will be provided. Name 3 things you would bring (and they cannot be PEOPLE).
  • My dog Mylo (it said no people not no animals)
  • Chap stick
  • an article of clothing from both my husband and daughter so I could always have their scent with me.
2) Name one person  (famous or not) you have a *secret crush* on and WHY. 
Well if I told it would no longer be a secret would it??  That being said, I don’t have a *secret crush* on anyone.  I do however have a HUGE crush on Eddie Vedder, front man for the band Pearl Jam.

3) What was the last thing you did before getting on the computer?

Put my purse down on my desk at work

4) Name one thing you are ashamed of about yourself.

I am ashamed of my weight but clearly not ready to do anything about it yet.  😯

5) How long does it take you to get dressed in the morning? Outline your routine on a typical day. Feel free to mention name brand items you use – shampoos, soap, toothpaste, etc. for interest and character development.

I wake up to either hubby’s alarm clock or The Peanut calling out to me, I then get up and get her ready for day care and send her on her way with daddy.  Then it’s time to hit the shower.  I soak down, wash hair, then condition hair, then wash body, then wash face, then shut shower off, then wipe down wet shower walls (don’t ask), then towel dry off before actually getting out of the tub(again….don’t ask).  Then I brush my teeth, put Antiperspirant on, cream on my face then off to get dressed.  Back to the bathroom to brush hair and style if I feel like it that day.  One that is all done it’s off to the kitchen to start my coffee.  While that is going I put my makeup on in the hall mirror and put my glasses on.  Go finish making coffee, put socks and shoes on and watch out the window for my ride to work.  All that takes about 1 hour and 45 mins. 

6) Since you all know I am food-obsessed, humor me by describing your last meal – if you could plan it.

Well I don’t think I’m food obsessed even though the size of my arse argues that!  But so my last EVER meal, I’d have to say Pesto Chicken Penne Pasta from one of the restaurants near me.

7) What is your middle name? Does it have any significance?

I have 2…………….Joanne Aleen.  Joanne was just cause my parents liked it and Aleen is after my mom’s grandmother.

8 ) Name one thing you have always wanted but HAVE NEVER HAD.

Good self esteem………………sad isn’t it!

9) How did you meet your spouse or s/o?

I met him at work.  I started a job that he was already an employee at.  And no, it was NOT love at first sight.  I actually thought he was a “prick” only because he was so quiet.  Once we started to talk it was instant love and I knew he was going to be mine forever!

10) Tell me a joke. Pictures are acceptable.


I liked this so I stole the idea…..

20 02 2008

…………………from Plane Jane

1. Drink you had – Diet Coke
2. Thing you ate – Bagel
3. Movie you saw – We Own the Night (last night)
4. Person you e-mailed – Hubby’s step father
5. Person you talked to – a customer on the phone
6. TV show you watched (live) – The Young and the Restless (soap opera)
7. TV show you watched tivoed (Sky+ or video count too, I guess!) – don’t have that ability
8. Book you finished –  My first 100 words (thanks to The Peanut)
9. Music you listened to – Pearl Jam in the car (the same as Plane Jane, can’t tell we are friends at ALL)
10. Money you spent – Coffee at Tim Horton’s this morning